too much negative stuff is going on in my life right now. I feel awfully down. :(

Our family has serious financial problems which are my husband's fault. I didn't know how bad until last weekend.... and only b/c I pressed him to tell me the truth. I don't know what to do. I love him as a human being but I think he is a total idiot when it comes to money. He put mine and Gabriel's life in financial danger. My job alone will not cover what he's done.

I've been seriously thinking of leaving him before it's too late. But I feel so bad for my son- Mike is a great dad and I don't want to take it away from Gabriel. But then what of my life? I want to be able to actually do things - go on vacations, go to theatre, buy nice clothes, more importantly, get Gabriel into good schools, I am hoping to provide him a solid jewish education on top of the regular one. That costs money. And I don't want to hear "oh, you got to make sacrifices." I've sacrificed enough in my life. I don't feel the responsbility to pay for someone else's mistakes, ESPECIALLY since those were repeated mistakes.

There's a great yiddish word - shlimazal - it means u know, a good natured but getting constantly into trouble due to stupidity.... That's how I look at my husband now. I may be a bit rough, but it's hard for me to respect a man who just like that ruined our family's financial security. So yeah.

I had my share of financial problems in the past, and especially when I was in school, and that terrible 6-7 months after when I was looking for a job. But I never really was over my head in spendings and I pulled it off, and I got a well-paying job and now, I work and provide medical insurance for all 3 of us, AND well, being a mom. I think I do a lion's share here. He works from home - so no commute, no getting dressed in the morning, ability to take a nap if he wants to in the middle of the day. My dad comes over and helps so altogether he spends 3.5-4 hours a day with the baby. We had a good setup, but it's like - u start losing big amounts of money, wouldn't u think to stop?! No. Not until it's totally hopeless. And way to go, not telling ur wife how badly you screwed up. Oh, but he hoped to "fix it" before I ever found out. Genius.

Anyway... I don't know what to do. Ironically my parents are out of town so I cant even talk to my mom. (And a little scared to talk to her anyway b/c she'll get so upset over this). I talked to HIS mom, and well she said that Mike is very depressed now and very scared that you'll leave him and he wants to make things better. That's all peachy but unless he gets a well paying job in the real world, I don't see it getting better.

And he's such a sweet guy and such a good dad, and if not for $$ we'd be just fine together. so I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that if I just let it run, I'll end up being the one who will lose. Mike doesn't care if he never goes out again, or never goes on vacation. He's perfefctly content sitting in his little office watching movies or whatever. I am not. I want to go to Europe, I want to go on cruises, I want to take Gabriel places, so he wouldn't grow up to be one of these men who say "oh I never left america, and I never wanted to." I want him to see the museums and ancient history.

So... I don't know what to do... I'm still thinking itg over. I think I will give Mike a timeline to get a decent, well-paying job. If I see this is not happening, then it will be time for me to go b/c I refuse to live in poverty. And don't call me selfish - b/c my family did not leave Russia, leave everything behind, AND managed to build a career and life here, while being in their 50's!! - for nothing. They made such an abrupt move so that their children, my brother and I, could have a better life. And I've done all I can to do just that. And if a guy I married can't contribute to our family - what good is it then?