probably not a good idea to write when I'm upset. But I guess that's what the diary is for, eh.

Did you ever have a feeling like you're totally drifting apart with a close friend? I sure do. It's been slow and little by little, but I don't think Nikka and I can do this any longer. I don't know, maybe it's the social differences or what not, but lately it's been non-stop confrontation and I'm getting really tired of it.

So, today we were having lunch and she was saying how she most likely won't get married and probably in couple years move to the city and just have a kid on her own. Just for the record - I am all supportive of women who choose to have a baby without a partner, it's their business and I don't think anyone should condemn a woman for a desire to have her child, even if there is no father. So I told her it's a good idea, if in couple years she will be single, go for it! She was like - yeah, and of course I'll ensure that I will have a boy (since it's going to be artifficially done, blah). She always wanted boys, made no secret of it, just like I always said I wanted a girl. So as the conversation progressed, I said yeah, well, hopefully for our next child we'll try for a girl, especially since we got a boy out of the way.

Suddenly she just went crazy on me! She said it's "unethical" of me to say this, that it's like I got a boy out of the way and moving on to better things, like a girl. It's so not what I meant! And apparently it was unethical of me to cry upon finding out we're having a boy. I did, for all of 3 minutes, and then I was totally happy! I think it's totally natural to grieve a loss of a dream, since I always wanted a girl, from very childhood. It does NOT, however, mean that I won't love my boy. I love him already. So that's what I told her and she was like - it doesn't seem to me you do, all you talk is how you want a girl.

So, for her to have a predetermined sex is okay, and not "unethical" and for me to merely say that I hope that our second child will be a girl is?!! I was so speachless. The thing that bothers me is her, out of all people, being so judgemental. I can take that shit from strangers, not from a person I thought to be my best friend.

I never made a secret that I dreamt to have a girl. I still do! Am I a criminal for that?! My parents knew I wanted a girl too, and when I gave them the news the first thing my mom said - don't get upset, you'll get your girl some day. And at that ponit, I already wasn't. My baby is healthy, he's doing well - that's what's matters. But I feel that people judge so harshly - if I say I want a girl, I get this "how dare you, be happy you're having a baby." I'm happy, dammit!!! I do not think this means I have to deny my feelings. I don't think that I have to dumb out my dreams, b/c it's not politically correct to say when you're expecting a boy that oh, I wanted a girl. The UNETHICAL thing would be if I had an abortion based on a gender, like so many ppl do in certain countries... That's unethical. The mere fact that I allowed to voice my dream is not unethical. I still love my baby. No one dares to judge me on that. And hell, I certainly don't have to defend myself on that!

Anyway. I think this relationship is coming to an end. It's not the only instance, it's like throughout the last months every other conversation we have is a confrontation, where she constantly attacs. I cannot deal with it. Especially now. I just don't get it - aren't your friends supposed to support you?? say hey, it's great you're having a boy, some day you'll have a girl. Is that too much to ask for?!!! And yeah btw, if our second child will be a boy, I'll take him too!!!

Whatever.