This is going to be rather depressing, I'm afraid. I need to vent, and what better place than my own diary....

I feel deeply down. Basically, we found out yesterday that Mike's job - the temp job he has, but it had possibilities of going into perm - won't make him that offer for at least another month. After which the medical insurance aren't kicking in for another 3 months, even when he's a full time employee. On top, the pay his manager tried to kind of slip into their conversation, is hardly any bigger than what he's making now - which is ridiculously little for his qualifications, anyway.

Meanwhile, I am looking for a job. I know that it's only been two weeks since i graduated and most ppl would say r u insane, u don't just find a job like taht, right away. But the situation is much worse than I could ever imagine. Last week, I have mailed around 100 of my resumes and samples to graphic deisgn firms all over town. This week I did some follow-up calls. Not all of places of course, but some. And what I hear is this: "we are not hiring now." Or slight variation "we received your package, it looks GREAT but we are not hiring now. But maybe later, we'll keep u on file." That's it. There's absolutely nothnig else that I've heard. It's not even that I'm a recent graduate - thought that's a factor too, some jobs that ARE posted require ppl with 3-5 years of experience.. but even companies that did like my work cannot hire now!

So we had this conversation couple days ago with Mike, and he was like, well get a temp job, just something to keep you busy and get paid while looking for a new job in graphic deisgn. Sounds reasonable, right? So I patched up my admin resume, and posted in on Monster. WHAT DO YOU KNOW! I did it yesterday, and within 1 hour! I had 3 phonecalls!!!! for various positions in admin field. Sure there I have over 5 years of experience, blah blah. But I was just crying and crying yesterday, like mad. Why? B/c I feel like such a friggin failure. Ironically, the pay that some of those jobs list is in no way inferior to what I was getting at my last job, and all benefits and all. And all would be peachy but... I feel angry that Mike simply does not understand my thoughts and feelings on the matter. To him, especially in our current financial situation, it sounds great: good money, benefits, load off our shoulders. To me it is a HUGE step back. Going back to be an admin is saying to the world - hey, I am a failure. I got this great degree but no one wants to hire me so I am going back to admin job, to my little salary and stuff, typing documents and dealing with idiots. If I'm lucky I won't have to bring them coffee. Mike doesn't understand, that the reason I got into college, went through 2.5 years of night school (until I quit that is)and a year of day school, and bazillion of homework and all that - so that I could do something I LIKE, and to get away from this particular job. And now, oh, he says it's temporary, blah blah, but realitsically, would he be happy if I quit? Especially when those nice benefits would be tied to it, and he wouldn't have to worry about it?

And then I feel so guilty that I'm not bringing money to our little family when we're struggling like that, and Mike's salary now would be smaller than what I'd be getting if I chose to accept some admin position.... and then I start thinking after all, on a long-term, we do want some sort of a house and kids, which is most important, much more important than a job. And all is well, but I honestly won't be able to look in the eye to my friends and family and say hey I'm back to admin field.

He says I don't have to do it if it makes me unhappy but realistically.. I do. :( And yes, I will continue looking for a graphic design position, but the way things are now, I don't see much chance. I swear, no one is hiring now :( So here I am with my great degree, doing a job which requires high school diploma. Sounds good, huh. :(

Well, today I have an interview - for an admin job of course. I decided that I have to, we need $, we need health insurance and all. I know this job inside out, I'll learn quick, it will be fine. But in all honesty I feel totally like shit- I feel like all my efforts are absolutely useless. I am not alone of course with this problem - out of kids who graduated a quarter earlier, only 2 have a job now, rest work some whacky jobs. I talked to them, I know. It's not just me. But it doesn't make it easier. And the hardest part is, Mike doesn't get it. He's like, we need $, there's opportunity, go for it. the whole issue of personal acheivement and pride is kind of not there for him.

Well, back to the admin field I go. Yes, I will still look for graphic design in every corner. But I already feel like a failure.