Ok, so my diary is boring. Is it because my life is boring? I think so.

But then I don't feel like my diary should be made "interesting" on purpose. While I enjoy tremendously reading diaries of people who actually make it creative (and are good writers!) - just read this one. But I am not writing this diary for other people. While I do feel that it's kind of cool that some people take a silent part in my life... I don't feel the need to please them. This diary is for me. So that later on I could reflect on my life.

But this isn't my primary thought I guess. The point is, my diary would be interesting by itself if my life was more interesting. I couldn't sleep last night. I was reading Encyclopedia of Myths (Enciklopedia Mifov) by Max Frei - and I just couldn't sleep. It's not even that he is a tremendous writer. It's the fact that he almost - almost made me believe that miracles are possible. His stories are frighteningly real. Or rather, they are in that balance where they almost are real - like, I cannot see any reason why such things *couldn't* happen. And if all that could happen then.. well, then life is really not that boring. The probelm is that miracles normally happen to people who don't think of them. Actually Frei insists, in all his books (not only encyclopedia) in one way or other that marriage automatically shuts the door for miracles. His hero (or is it actually him? The freightening part about Frei is that in all his books he is juts that - Max Frei. That gives it this piercing sense of reality that makes me - chillingly - belive, almost believe that this is autobiographical. After all, the Encyclopedy of Myths is subtitled " the true story of Max Frei, the writer" or something like that) - so anyway, his hero insists that men are created for war and women are created for love. He is advised by a certain fate-teller that he is to avoid such men and such women. Of course women who are created "for love" end up with usual boring lives, have their kids, get fat (he was admant about that :) and just u know.. live because there's nothing else that will ever happen to them. Then there are women who do not fall into that category and they "hang between sky and earth" as this is the most natural thing for a woman to do.

Anyway. In every aspect, I really adore Mike. I love the boy. He makes me happy. Just coming home from school and seeing his face makes me happy. How's that. But. Ever since I met him my life somehow became static. Not bad, not even boring. Just static. Certainly Frei's prohpesy about gaining weight worked too :) - while of course I am not in completely terrible shape, especially since I started working out every day - but how do you explain a person suddenly starting to gain weight without any outside reasons - since we met., I really did put on weight, perhaps not some impossible amount, but who says that it can't be more??? So here's what I thought. It's not even that I was rather depressed and when I met him I was happy and suddenly my body got some weird signal hey time to gain weight. And it's not depression that kept me thinner. I have never been totally thin in my life. But before I met Mike I was in a state of constant neurosis. Not only about love, though my last boyfriend breaking my heart certainly had to do with it. But neurosis on a life level. My life before I met Mike could turn in a zillion different directions. I was neurotic by definition. Just the thoght of where my life is going made me freak out because I understood that my life is hanging on some thread which is out of my control. After Mike came in in the picture, my life took a certain shape. We have a future together - yes, kids, which I do love, and want. Now I don't have piercing thought of oh my god how will I support myself, will I die alone, and many more such thought which made my life living hell - I made my life living hell that is. Happiness robs you of neurosis, and that in turn makes me gain weight. And the fact is that - of course - I know many overweight people who are downright COOL. The physical weight has little to do with who you are, no matter what Frei could think about it (of course, he ((or his hero)) loves exclusively super thin girls with boyish haircuts). I am more worried about the weight of my soul, if that makes any sense! I guess, my soul "gettig fat", hmm. The funny part is that Mike is worried about himself too, about this particular aspect. It's like we live our lives, we do things we need to do - he trades, I go to school and all is peachy - right??? But no. I constantly have this needling thought that I am missing something. That it was nothing before for me to just jump and go to a different city. In a way leaving the city you are in and going somewhere you don't know where with the risk of getting lost is a great way to clean your soul. Funny that Frei is a huge fan of just that - his hero (or him? once again) is fond of disappearing from city to city without leaving any ties. I feel worried that now I feel internally that it's more hard for me to do it. Not impossible, but harder. Now, for Mike, Oregon has been his mystical soul cleanser. I do not understand this charm that Oregon has over him. I have never been there. But every tme my boy gets depressed or discouraged he keeps on coming back at how wonderful it would be if he just could go to Oregon and sit on the beach every day. This is his Utopia. Actually before he met me, he only was in here because he wanted to make enough money (by his standards) to go back to Oregon and live there forever. Then I come along and - bingo. His family is thrilled because they all live here and it means he won't leave. My family is trhilled because I fulfilled their big dream - to get me married. I told him I don't want to make him unhappy. If he needs to go to Oregon he can go. He said no, I want to stick with u. And we are happy - for now. I mean, I feel that my marriage is real, that it's not some sort of a habit or even some sort of a social duty that I have to take because "everyone" does it. I love him. But loving him alone does not make my life... I don't know, doesn't make it exciting. Reading to my diary what do I see - it's all about stupid mundane things. It's all about parties we went, people we met, or whatever else that happened during those - rather static - days. I can't even write anymore. I mean, I kind of try but I hate all I wrote lately. It lacks "me." And I am willing to admit that I want miracles but I am also afraid of miracles. If I really was transported to some absolutely weird reality which is I think the scariest kind of reality - what if lets say it happened in my city, around the surroundings I know but suddenly people I know do not exist anymore? Suddenly when I dial their number, I get someone else who says they lived there all their lives and never knew my friends or family. And here I am, around familair walls but alone and have to make new friends,new everything. I often play with such thoughts - what would I do if the miracle actually happened right in front of my nose. Sometimes walking in the dark, I feel like something could happen any moment. Something, well, supernatural. And what would I do, I ask myself, and invariably my answer would be freak out. Not get happy. Freak out. My heart starts to beat and I rush to get back to familiarity. Maybe that's why miracles avoid me. But when I read Frei... I realize that they really are somewhere under my nose, really close, but so far. Is it because I am married. I don't know. But I also know, or rather sometimes, when I look at Mike in the dark, mostly when he's sound asleep, I realize with absolute clarity that we are still just two people, two weirdos whom fate brought together. Our marriage is not so much physical - I mean, sure we have marriage lisence and all that, and we had this grand ceremony and all rules with it. But when I look at him sometimes I get striken by the weirdness that I will spend the rest of my life with this boy. I look at him with the new eyes. I know his little quirks and preferences, and funny things about him.. but sometimes I realize we are two absolutely different entities that are just tied together with something... and I also know that sometimes he feels a bit choked in that knot. And so do I. And we let it loosen then and try to go our ways, but we always end up together. I almost wish he'd gone to Oregon, and even more, he'd gone alone. if he goes there alone and then comes back, I'd say we have something. But something like that has to be done before we have children. Such responsilibity is not something I'd let him be light with. Once u have another creature depending on you... besides Mike will teach my kids weirdness better than I would. He is weirdness himself. But.... Oh I don't even know what I mean. I just have a fleeting feeling that our life together has a meaning. Not just existing or whatever, but a meaning. I have a feeling that Frei only knows one - and easiest - aspect; but what if miracles actually happen to married people. Mike and I are both quite candidates for some weirdness to happen to us. We're just a bit afriad of it... I don't even know. I know that always on my trips - anywhere I go, something strange happen. Not just - oh, we had a nice trip - I always come out of a trip with a story. Some absolutely weird fantastic story, because when I change my reality nothing goes smooth. Sure they are not earth-breaking stories, but they are nontheless. But when we travel together, at least couple times that we did - nothing happens. Nothing even little. Aside for planes being constantly late - but this is my own special gift, if I ever book a flight it is about 2-5 hours late every time. Wors like a charm. No no, I wouldn't want to be attacked by terrorist on my next venture. That's not what I mean. Playing James Bond is not my cup of tea. But meeting utter weirdos everywhere you go... I miss that. Maybe because fate thinks that when Mike and I are together we are a collective weirdo, so no more needed. I don't know. But ... Anyway, the big question of the day is can miracles happen to married people. Not "do miracles happen". I give you 90% they do. Can they? - that's the key. Or will I die in another 30-some years without ever finding out. That is what is truly scary. Damn Frei.