Looks like this is going to be another long vent. I feel so emotinally f**ed up that I have no choice but just write about it, get it off my chest.

My cousins are leaving today, back to Israel. We had a last party for them yesterday at my parents' house, which was combined with congratulating my brother and his fiance on their brand new engagement! They came to our place, and they sure had tons of impressions from Petersburg, and were totally happy and relaxed, and told us tons of stories about their trip. Russia is a cool place when you have american $, and friends who live there. No doubts about that :)

And yet, I feel tremendously disturbed now - why? - but of course, because of my mom. I don't want to seem like this bitter person who just vents and vents about life, and mostly I think I'm a happy camper, but what she's doing to me is just so wrong... So we're in the living room, and waiting for my brother and his gf to come in... My cousin is upstairs changing, my dad, her husband, and Mike are hanging out, and I'm just on the sofa, reading a book. My mom sits down next to me, and starts asking how my school is going, and all that. So I say it's going fine, u know, general stuff. And then it comes. You know you do look real tired, and you really shouldn't beacuse you're not working. (Well, in fact, I was real tired, but mostly because the previous night we actualy hanged out with my cousin and her hubby, and watched Almost Famous, and I went to bed at almost 1 a.m., and had to be at school at 8). So I said well, yeah, Im a bit tired, whatever. She goes well, actually, since you quit work you gained quite a lot of weight. OK! Hello! Why? Who said? And then she launches into this whole speech at how she thinks my face looks "nice" with the new haircut (short hair) but my body looks terrible, how if I don't watch it, I will turn into my best friend, who is so ugly, like beyond ugly. I was simply speachless. I told her it's none of her business and to fuck off (it's always easier to swear in a foreign language, well, english is our second language, and I probably wouldn't necesserely say it in russian), and she was like, but of course it's my business, because you're my daughter.

Now, here's what perplexes me and makes me angry. Number one, me quitting my job and this hypothetical sudden weight gain, really didn't just happen. I mean, my mom has been nagging me about my weight since I can remember myself. So it's not like up till this point all was peachy, and now, since I quit my job, suddenly I gained weight and she's concerned. My mom never misses a chance to call me fat. Before I met Mike, and had couple of bad relationships, she kept on saying how no one will marry me because I'm so ugly. How probably this guy I was dating for a while dumped me because I was fat. (?!!!) Then I met Mike and married him, and actually that made her happy, but not enough, apparently , to get off my back. And late at night last night I did weigh myself at home - pitiful, I know - but I wanted to check maybe I'm missing something, maybe I did gain a lot of weight and no one is telling me about it? Nope. The weight is roughly the same as before my wedding, and before I quit my job. Then why is she doing it to me???

And another issue, is my best friend. It's funny, because my mom never liked her. She thinks of her as (well, of course) too fat, and also too "moody" and "pushy". My best friend, actually, had a much more screwed up childhood and much tougher family situation than I ever did. That taught her to be tough. She doesn't take shit from anyone. She responds back. Sometimes I think she's too argumentative, too defensive. But I understand that it comes from her past; she wouldn't have survived otherwise. And I think that the way my mom treats her (behind her back, of course!) is disgusting and unfair. My mom had her birthday couple of months ago, and she invited Nikka's family along with her to her birthday party. Nikka couldn't make it, but she went out of her way to get her a present and wrote her a very nice, warm card. My mom actually was touched, and she called her and thanked her, and all was ok, but I swear, I have never heard even one nice word from my mom about her other than this one time, couple of months ago. And every time my friend's name comes up all my mom could talk is about her weight, how ugly and fat she is, and how could she, at her age my mom was gorgeous and thin! ARGHHHHH. She also thinks that my best friend is fat because she eats tons, blah bah. It's so wrong. I saw her live on salad day after day. Yes, once a week on Friday night, they have a tradition of family dinner where she actually bakes and cooks everything (it's her hobby, cooking) and she'd eat something sweet. Well, so what? If you're overweight are you not allowed to have something besides salad?

So back to yesterday... the whole conversation came to the point where my mom told me that she just doesn't want me ending up like Nikka. She really doesn't care what Nikka does with her life, but she cares about me, and I look ugly now, and if she doesn't tell me, no one will.

I promised myself I'll not let her hurt me. I swore to myself I'll ignore her bitching. Well... I just couldn't help it. I went upsairs to the bathroom and was crying and crying and crying.. which was just too bad because my brother came in about 10 minutes, and I had to hastily wash myself, and I still went downstairs with super red eyes. Luckily everyone had enough tact not to ask me what was going on, and of course my mom noticed, and for teh rest of the evening she tried to be "nice" to me, by trying to talk to me and being extra sweet. I purposly avoided meeting her eye and I stuck with Mike and my brother, and ignored her for the rest of the evening. As we were leaving, she went in this highly dramatic/over-demnstrative way, where she was hugging my cousin and saying oh, only you love me, my daughter hates me, u see how she never talked to me throughout the party. And my cousin is no fool, and she knew that something was going on, and she guessed (correctly!) that it was about my mom anyway... so she kind of told her, well, perhaps you deserve it. That shut her up. Then she comes to me and goes I really do love you, don't you know that, when you guys come I really go out of my way to be a good host to you, nothing can make me more happy than hanging out with you. And I said doesn't seem that way considering the way you treat me. And she just tried to make it all a big joke, and I just turned my back to her and left. Because of this whole thing, the party was a bit spoiled for me, and I hate to say this,but I felt a mixure of sadness and relief that my cousins are leaving. My cousin is the coolest chick, and we're very close, and I treat her like a sister. So every time they leave I feel sad because I miss them so much, and Israel is so far.. and so unsafe now. And I felt relief because with their departure, we don't have to drive to my parents' house every day. Because couple more encounters like that and I'll be ready for a nervous breakdown.

I don't know... People say oh you're exaturating, it's not so bad,she "means well". She better mean ill, and not say anything then. Especially because deep down I know that I'm normal, and that it's some sort of a weird power trip for her. It still affects me though. She's my mom for gods sakes. I want to love her. But it's so darn hard when all I get from her is this. Anyway, for now my plan is to avoid seeing her as long as I can. I can't deal with it. I must protect myself, perhaps in a dumb way, but I can't find anything better. I'm lucky that I have Mike though, and I'm successful in school and that's what really matters.