The weekend passed quickly... I saw the movie Signs yesterday. And the only thing I can say is - you're better off without seeing it! Really.

I am a type of girl who HATES propaganda. Especially, propaganda that is masked as sci fi thriller (that me and my friend so much hoped it would be). But no... aliens, and sci fi part of it was only a background to the tearful story of how Mel Gibson's hero returns to his christian faith. Nothing against christians, of course, but as a movie viewer I feel cheated by false advertisement :) - such as those mysterious "signs" that really didn't play any major role in the movie, but the deeper meaning (yeah right) is that Mel Gibson got tons of "signs" that he should return to be a priest. Great.

However, I did see a great preview for what's promising to be a good movie - Red Dragon. Pre-"silence of the lambs", again with Anthony Hopkins as Dr. Lector, so far free, and some maniac killer. It sounds promising. Also I cannot wait for both Harry Potter II and Lord of the Rings II to be released!

On another subject. My mom is driving me NUTS! Thank god I have this diary to vent to, because I really don't know whom else I can talk to about this. My mom, it seems, set her life-time goal of shuddering my self-confidence as much as she could. Oh, of course she "doesn't mean it". She never does. It's all for "my best". She comes from the school of people who think that under no circumstances you should praise your child, or, god forbid, the child would be spoiled. I remember when I was young, and went through an extensive music school training, and brought home only straight A's, my mom and dad would say - well, this is good but you can do BETTER. Ok, how much better can an 8 (9, 10..) year old kid do in the school environment, which was strict as a bootcamp? The teachers had the same exact attitude as parents, so they would tell you that you suck, but give you A's. A praise was as rare as a pearl, u know. But ok, this really didn't bother me as a kid. I kind of looked at it as "normal".

My mom is a type of person who simpily doesn't see any "shades of gray". Everything is black and white for her. Also, everyone who does not think exactly like her, is WRONG. No ifs or buts. She can be very pushy and very annoying in trying to make others to be like her. When I was in high school, and had no money, she would pay for my haircuts - on condition that I would get the exact same hairdo as her! We have almost exactly the same type of hair - curly, hard to manage... I still look with horror at my high school pictures. I had an afro like Angela Davis :)

My mom used to be very athletic when she was young. She had a body of a boy until very late, and very little femininity. She used to beat everyone around, and win in street fights. And she used to be super thin. And I never was. As a matter of fact, I was born 2.5. months prematurely, weighing twise as little as a normal baby. They barely saved me, and made sure I gained enough weight. I never was thin, ever. It always bothered my mom - I wasn't like HER! I consider it a sheer miracle that I didn't end up with some eating disorder in high school. My dad is thin, my brother is thin, and I was the only one who wasn't. Now I realize that I wasn't fat either! You know, baby fat, not anything more. But in my mom's eyes I was plain ugly! And I still am. But here's the trick now - my mom has gained a lot of weight since we came to the States. She wears size 16-18 now. It bothers her tremendously. She can't really lose weight. Perhaps because she's older, or she's not trying hard enough- I don't know. But the bottom line, she feels bad about herself and, therefore, she makes sure to make herself feel better through me! Through telling me how ugly and fat I am ! (And though she's fat, she's entitled to it because she's old already.. she tells me.. and "at your age I had a perfect body" - but of course).

While my mind perfectly understands why she's doing it (it 's gotten to a ridiculous point where every time I see her, she mentions how fat I look), I feel tremendously hurt every time she does it. I feel like I want to cry. My mom thinks that if she will nag me and tell me these things, it will make me lose weight! But no.. I mean, I do exersice, and all, but Im doing it for myself! All she brings to it is my feeling of resentment towards her. And the saddest part is that I cannot retaliate back. My mom never was teased about her weight. She got fat late in her life, and obviously adults are much more tactful than children about such things.. so it's not like someone at work could tell her whoa u're fat! My dad pretty much doesn't talk much around her... because she kind of holds him in place. It's easier not to say anything than to say something and be subjected to endless shit from her. My mom has no clue how hurtful it is to be teased that way. I do though. When I was a little kid, I was fairly chubby, so much more than Im now, actually... and so I did get teased a little. Not much though, because I also got brains and personality and managed to get tons of friends! :))))

But the bottom line is, I cannot make myself hurt her the way she hurts me. As someone who KNOWS how it is to be teased for your weight, I do not want my mom to be subjected to this. I do not want to sink to her level! I do not want to make her feel so small.

But I cannot help but wonder... why the person who should be the closest to you makes you feel the worst? Your parent should be your shield from the cruel world, metaphorically speaking. My mom is the only person Im afraid to be around... She is also manipulative. I feel sad that she lost my grandma, and I know she's lonely. But all she says to me since I moved in with my husband is "you don't love me". She repeats it over and over. How I "really" don't love her. Well, I HAVE MY OWN LIFE.

The sad thing is that I cannot even tell Mike about it. The type of guy he is, he would confront my mom for me... and that would bring a whole new bunch of shit, that I'm turning her son in law against her. That whatever problems I have with her are "family issues" and shouldn't be discussed with "strangers" (which he conveniently becomes when it comes to her... but otherwise, she adores Mike, and he's "family").

My cousins are visiting from Israel - they are leaving in 2 days. It makes me cringe when I visit because my mom thinks nothing of saying "your ass is too big!" in front of my cousin and her husband. Of course she says it in russian so that Mike wouldn't understand (and stand up for me). And what do I do? Turn it to a joke. Say "and look at yours!" - was the best I could come up with.

Why does it bother me so much? Yes I did gain a little bit of weight this past year. I am working on it though, ok? I am doing it for myself though. Mike is working out together with me. We're a team. He likes my body anyway, and he would never dream of hurting me that way. But what worries me the most is my future children. My mom dreams of grandchildren, she constantly asks when are we going to have a kid. I know she is sincere, and wants to help, and would adore that child. But I have chills thinking what if we have a girl, and what if the girl wouldn't be Barbie thin????? What kind of shit my mom would subject her to? I remember, as a child, we'd all have dinner, and she'd give my brother double of what I got, and when I asked hey I want something else, she'd say - you're too fat! Your brother is a boy ! He's older! He needs more food! She'd think nothing of it. I do not want to scar my future child that way. I feel huge surges of anger when I even think about it. I promise to myself to never hurt my kid that way, never make them feel terrible about themselves. I want my kid to be self-confident, and smart, and knowning that her true value is not in her body! Whatever that body will happen to be.

I actually got a good preview of how ugly it can turn out with my little niess, my cousin's child... She's 13, going to be 14 in September. She has a great body - after all, she was doing ballet and jazz dancing since babyhood almost. She has long legs, and perfectly shaped little breasts and everything. Her face though has this little baby fat cheeks going on, which is absolutely adorable! So, it's 9 p.m., and the child is hungry. She's a teen, she actually eats amazingly little for her age... she is very picky about her food, and only would eat certain things. But she does like to eat - such a crime for a girl! So, she hasn't really eaten the whole day, and 9 p.m. rolls, and she's hungry. She asks my mom if she can have something. Oh, my mom makes her food. And while she eats, my mom lectures her in the kitchen how bad it is to eat "late". How all the food you eat after 7 p.m. turns to fat. How she thinks that my niess does not move enough for the child her age (my niess is a TV junkie, yes) and how, therefore, she'll be fat real soon if she keeps on eating. We all were sitting in the living room, watching the movie, and my mom was fairly loud, but everyone else either didn't hear or pretended not to hear. I did. I almost started crying. I mean, the kid was HUNGRY! It wasn't like she ate two dinners and asked for another one at 9 p.m. She was hungry , and instead of just feeding her, my mom chose to give her a lecture and I don't even know how that made her feel about herself. I actually was very close to getting up and interfearing, but I didn't want to make a scene. Maybe I should have. Luckily, my niess is a fairly happy kid, she has certain probelms with her self-esteem, but not weight-related, so Im sure she didn't take it as much to heart. Anyway...

I do love my mom. I just wish she accepted that we're absolutely different people, and lived with it. The stupid thing is that when I wasn't married she kept on saying that I was ugly and fat and no one would ever marry me. Than I got married, but Im still ugly and fat! HELLO!!!!!!!

Wow this was a long rant. I just don't know how to deal with it. I am not a model, yes, but I wear size 8-10. This is NORMAL. Besides, even if a person is overweight, he is still a human being, for god's sake. I cannot even write here the crap my mom always says about my best friend. Because she's big. I always do stand up for my friend though. It's easier than standing up for myself...