was a really slow, strange day today. Went to our friends' house in the morning for the Sunday Movie ritual. Watched Rendevouz in Paris, which wasn't too bad, but wasn't a masterpiece either. Then all of us fell asleep! for about an hour. On the floor, mind u, and Mike and I ended up on a couch. After nap, they played a long 3- hour game, while I read a book. It was a really lazy day and yet I feel tired for some reasons.

I decided that the whole weight issue I'm having is not really an issue as to whether I'm fat or not. On a much more global scale, I've never been thin - like, really thin. And I think, lack of this experience is perhaps why it bothers me so much. I mean, right now people probably would call me average. Not fat (well everyone except my mom that is), but not thin either! And I really want to experience thinness. I want to be Gwyneth Paltrow thin. Now I realize that it's all brainwashing and hollywood and all that - but I just wonder how does it feel to be so slender and fragile and all that crap. I wonder if Mike would look at me differently if I was thinner. I mean, no, he really loves me, we have no problems of any kind (not sexual certainly! ;) - but if I was about 20 pounds lighter - how would he take it!

I was watching W.E.'s girlfriend yesterday. She's really thin, but she had some medical complications after which she lost a lot of weight. Though even before, she was fairly slender, after the whole illness, she literally was almost see-through thin. She gained a bit of a weight back again, but she's nowhere near even "average". There was some of this weird beauty to her. They made a nice couple because W.E. is 6.5 tall, and really lean, and she's this girl with huge brown eyes, whom he probably can lift with one hand. She's about 5.8 tall or so.. but next to him she really looked tiny. And compared to them, I really felt like this small fat bug ;) No, not a bug. But I did feel short and fat. Which is normally not my demeanor at all - I feel myself attractive most of the time. Anyway.. I find it really hard to keep the weight off. I am much better now about exersicing than when I was working and going to school together, but the problem is, I'm not losing weight. I'm not sure if it's my diet, or I need to exersice more or what.. but it kind of bounces within 1-2 pounds here or there. I honestly realized that the only way I lose weight massively is when I'm anxious or nervous or depressed. My last love left me so depressed that I dropped almost 2 clothes sizes. Then I met Mike and guess what. It's back to where it always was - and so, does he have to make me unhappy now for me to lose weight? But then I look at people like W.E.'s girlfriend, and I think what would it feel like to actually have such a body. And god forbid, I wouldn't wish her medical problem to anyone, and I felt so terrible when it all was going on, besides she looked great even before... but what I mean is, I really want that experience. Preferrably without an ilness attached to it.

So I'm confused. I feel like I can't really talk to anyone about it, because my mom thinks I'm ugly and fat anyway, my best friend will say I'm crazy, or advise one of those pill diets or something.. and Mike.. Mike won't understand. For him it's like - well, if you want to lose weight lose it. Do whatever you want, honey. Well, how exactly do I do that! Hey, if he hires me a professional trainer ;) I don't know.

I guess it's silly, and I'm just being superficial. And I'm totally not jelaous of W.E.'s gf - I don't really believe in jelaousy as a valid feeling. I just want to know how does it feel to wake up one day, being size 4 or something.

ok.. got to go.