I wish I was taller! No, really. I think if I was 5.9 life would be different. Sure the bias of tall is mostly for men. Sure the bias of thin is mostly for women. But why can't I be both? (or, rather, can't I be neither?) . I feel like a freakin' midget at my 5.1. frame. At that, sometimes I feel like a fat midget - and what good is that.

And I probably will go crossed-eyed real soon because I spend so much time in front of the PC. I have 3 classes today, all of them are computer classes, and the glow of that screen literally screws my eyes.

You can say I feel a bit moody. That's because after a month of dieting and really hardly eating much AND exercising every damn day! - no jokes, every day! - I have lost 3 pounds. That is it. The damn body wouldn't give in. And you know why? I think because I'm getting old. Body says that's it, you're staying at that weight forever. Why, should I get hopelessly depressed to lose weight now? It worked last time. No matter that I felt suecidal half the time, I dropped 15 lb in a month!

And I am not doing it for anyone - by the way. It's hard to explain - sure aside for that enormous pressure from my mom - her constant look of disapproval at no matter what I weigh - but that's not the reason... I feel like all of a sudden I have very little control over my body. Eat a piece of cake - gain a pound. It never was like that before. I used to be able to eat damn cake and stay the same - surely not model thin - but the same, for years and years. Then, I get all emotionally fucked up and weight drops. Then I meet Mike and suddenly it all comes back, with the vengeance. And then - now - I actually try to control it all by eating "healthy " and working out like there's no tomorrow, and I drop 3 pounds in a month. Where's justice in that.

And, wait, I have no kids yet! Nada, none. And I bet, I so bet, I will be one of these women who will somehow manage to gain loads of weight during pregnancy and not able to take it off. It just lingers there in my subconscious, like some weird freakin' karma. And it scares the crap out of me, because I like my clothes, I still fit into them even now that I'm heavier than I was a year ago, and I don't want to give them up.

And imagine pressure from home, and I'm sure Mike won't appreciate it either.

So, what do I do? No, really, I feel like I'm on this rollercoatser and I have no clue where I'm going. Mike said he actually admires my will power, the fact that I drag myself to that gym every freakin' day. He said it shows "determination", no matter what the scale says. Oh, but it does matter. It's like working on some project for a month, and then having the hard drive crash. No, I don't feel like exersice is a waste of time. But when I was depressed - I used exersice to fill my time, and I only did it 3 times a week, and the weight just dropped. I do it 7 days a week and nothing! What's going on!!!

So, yes, if I was taller it would all be better. Because I would be considered thin at the weight that I'm now. A friend of mine has this funny button saying "I'm not fat, Im too short for my weight". Yeah, that's me!

Oh well. Another 4 hours in school, another salad and boiled chicken at home. Oh, and why is it that Mike is so damn skinny, and after our wedding he gained about 7 pounds, freaked out, and lost it in 2 weeks!

In conclusion. If I ever get to the point of "fat", like for real - I think I'll end up with nervous breakdown whch my mom will ensure I'll have. Mike probably won't have sex with me. One thing about him that I do like is that he's brutally honest. When I did approach that subject he held me in his arms and said that I'm just fine and said to stop listening to other people. When I demanded to know how would he feel if I really did get fat later in life, he gave it a thought and said that he wouldn't have a great time in bed with me but will still love me. Gee, that told me all I need to know - and, I don't blame him. I mean, while I still don't get half the time what's so good about being thin - like why is it so important to everyone- I also think that I can't hold double standard in that. I have never dated a fat guy, ever. As a matter of fact, all guys that I dated were real thin, and mostly real tall. Talk about opposites attract. So why should Mike honestly like me fat?

So. The body better give in to me!

I am doing it all correctly, with right amount of food btw - no starving - just lots of vegetables, and all the nutritious stuff. Milk, and fish, and meat. No sweets, hardly any. And that damn exersice - I really do have a good workout routine though :)

Stacie's wedding is this Saturday, and I still havent tried Chinese dress again. I doubt that losing 3 podns will make much difference, but it fits well anyway, just wish it was a tad longer.

Ok. Maybe I should just break my scale.